I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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