Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
