just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
