is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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