Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
