A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
