PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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