I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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