At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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