I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
