dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
