don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
