I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
