woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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