Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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