Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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