I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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