today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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