well you can't waste a boner
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
