just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
