Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
