could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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