just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
