The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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