I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
