I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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