i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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