Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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