i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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