State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
