Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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