Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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