New invention idea: vibrating tampons
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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