lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
