The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
