I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
