Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
