Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
