I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
