bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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