it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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