I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
