listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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