I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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