Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
