so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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