I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
