I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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