Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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