no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize