He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Someone shattered a urinal.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
