Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
