awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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