Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
