the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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