Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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