Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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