he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
