i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
