I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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