why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
