I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
