You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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