life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
